It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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