she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
