I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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