We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
