I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
