It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
