Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
