Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
