On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
