Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
