Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
