Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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