Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize