i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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