there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
