I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
