Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
