i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
id be glad to
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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