he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
