Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
