shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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