Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
