Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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