it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
