If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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