yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
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