how can u be prego again
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
