Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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