Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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