low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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