If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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