I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
