Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
