3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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