Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
