Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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