She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Every concussion has its silver lining
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
