For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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