i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
