you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
