I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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