I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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