So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
