i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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