woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
