I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
