My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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