sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
