STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
