just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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