my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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