remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
