If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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