new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize