I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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