I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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